Dear DoubleTake,When my husband talks with his mom on the phone, who lives long distance, I try to interject sweet words at the end of his conversation, such as, "Tell her hello," or, "Please tell her I love her."I may say something early on in the conversation like, "Tell her about our doctor's appointment," since we are early in our first pregnancy.He doesn't pass on any of my messages, no matter what it is. He rarely even talks himself, I just hear yeses and, 'That's right,' and, 'Oh, really?"By the time he gets off the phone, I feel hurt and ignored. We have argued over this many times. Though he apologizes, he says that is his time with his mom and I could always call her myself. I remind him that, whenever he says something to me while on the phone with my own mom, I do my best to relay the messages or simply hand the phone to him.To add insult to injury, he rarely shares with me the general conversation of how his family is doing. I just get, "She says hello and she loves you." I have to ask to get any answers, and even then I can feel the tension rising.Am I overreacting? Should I just lie low and act like I don't care? I feel there's no right solution.
BETTY SAYS:The bottom line is that a mother can feel threatened by her son's relationship with his girlfriend or wife.
Think about it. This "other woman" is taking over the caretaking and loving duties that mom was once responsible for. And when it comes to having a simple phone conversation with her son, the same "other woman" is in the background telling him what to say!
I once had the same problem with my ex-boyfriend's mother and often felt slighted.
Later, I realized that his mother didn't give a hoot about me. When she called, she didn't want to hear her son's girlfriend's personal interjections -- she just wanted some time to chat with him.
I know you mean well, but there are some relationships where roles don't necessarily change after big life events. Mom never stops being mom to her kids. Consider this as we near Mother's Day.
EDDIE SAYS:We know that you have good intentions here.
For starters, though, you're being fairly rude. What you're doing is called interrupting. Even if it doesn't seem to you that your husband pays enough attention to his mother, he's doing it his way. Maybe part of the reason he doesn't pass on your messages is that he doesn't hear them well because he's talking to someone else when you're trying to horn in.
It sounds like you just won't be happy unless things are done your way. You're going to have to let him have his own conversational style on the phone. If you want to let her know you're thinking of her, call her back, write a letter or send an e-mail.
Fighting about this because it's not about you is overstepping your bounds and just being impolite.
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